Bootleg Pokémon Games/Transcript
Video Here ---------------------------------------------------------------\/ {the camera pans over various Pokémon merchandise} Jon (VO): Pokémon! A series dearly beloved by many. Few games can claim to harness its gravitational pull. This golden goose has sold millions upon millions of copies, spawned countless varieties of merchandise, and touched multiple generations of kids and adults alike. How many franchises do you know that bridge the generational gap? {Jon appears standing next to the merchandise} Jon: Now, I know what you're probably thinking to yourself, why are you telling me this? I've played 'em all. I've been to 'em all. I've been to Kanto, Johto, Ancho, Habanero, Pablano, Antonio Banderas. I've swung 'em all, sister. Swung with the best! But you ain't ever seen...{takes cartridge out from his pocket}...the likes of this. {slams cartridge down on the side table} That's right. With every big fish, there's a leech on the belly. Today, we're gonna have a look at the fascinating world of bootlegged Pokémon games. Now, these aren't games you can find in stores. They're games that made their way into circulation one way or another. None of them are licensed or acknowledged by Nintendo...and they're pretty damn hard to find. Pocket Monster (SNES) Jon (VO): First off, let's look at what's known as Pocket Monsters. It's inferred that it was released in the year 2000 by DVS Electronics. Because on the box art there are two small icons reading "New Game" and "2000". Hey, it's not empirical science but what can I tell ya, I'm a simple man. Jon: It's strange, the label on my game says "Pokémon Pikachu Edition" which first off isn't even the name of the game at hand, but if you peel back the label, there's another label that says "Picachu" and it's spelled wrong? What is this game?! Who made it and why?! {the options screen appears; a Pikachu is seen to the left} Jon (VO): Look at this Pikachu. Seriously, is it any wonder why he's so popular? Even when he's half-assed and bootlegged he still melts my heart. I can feel the money loosening from my wallet already. {dollar bills fly from Jon's pockets and slam into the television screen; the title screen appears} Jon (VO): He's like, heh, he's all like, {voicing Pikachu} "Fuck you." {the game begins; Pikachu, the player character, drops from the sky flailing his arms, before landing and walking goofily. Intense background music plays} Jon: {gets up to leave} ... No, I... I, can't. Alright, I just... I gotta leave, okay? Paul Ritchey (cameraman): But, Jon, we just started. Come on, man. Jon: Listen, listen. There's a lot to see in this life. Not wasting it here. {exits} Jon (VO): Well, there's a shocker for you. 5 seconds into the game and it's already like {makes raspberry noises as the screen faux glitches}. Look at his arms flailing. Even he's confused and terrified. Hey, I'm not blaming him! I would be, too! Listen to this music, this is not Level 1 music. {the music is heard again} Jon (VO): Talk about putting the player on edge right away. This game is extremely hard to play. When Pikachu jumps, the entire game lags. Every... single... time! But then when you just want to go forward he speeds up like a power walker with a New York minute to spare. So, It's like you're constantly in a battle between game speeds. It makes the platforming real difficult right off the bat. Also, can we take a minute to talk about the fact that Pikachu has the face of a, uh, balding middle-aged man? Curly Howard, is that you? Did you come back? Did you come back from the ground mausoleum? Even more ridiculous than that is his walk cycle. I mean look at that thing! Coupled with the music it's like a vaudeville act in here. {vaudeville music plays} Jon (VO): Maybe it really is Curly, because I mean he started as a vaudeville act back in 1925. But that's not that funny, though, 'cause they're all dead. I thought they were supposed to be funny. {cut to the outside of the game} Jon: It's so bizarre to see a Pokémon game actually playing on my SNES. Jon (VO): Ah, this game is like a breath of fresh air because it showcases all of the Pokémon we've come to know and love over the years. {camera zooms in on each} You can see Beedrill, Porygon, Monkey, Mario Dinosaur, Poop, Abomination. {puts his focus on the last one, shocked} What is this? Is this what happens when illicit Pokémon breeding goes unchecked? I'm looking at this from every goddamn angle there is, I can't tell where it starts and where it ends. Well, it's got a pinecone for a body, it's, uh, wearing a fez, and it's got that one staring, unblinking eye that reminds you that this creature lives in never-ending, ceaseless agony. Oh, by the way, this game's pure bullshit. You can never see what's below you, so you always have to take leaps of faith that more often than not lead to your untimely demise. And it doesn't even matter how far you get. There's no checkpoint. So, if you die, it's straight back to the beginning. When you drop back into the game after death, that's you! That's an accurate representation of you saying, "No! Don't put me back in! Please!" {cut to the continue screen, with a bruised Pikachu lying near a Poké Ball} Jon (VO): The continue screen looks like a PSA for abused Pokémon. To me, it's as if he's laying there, wounded and light and a Poké Ball rolls up to him an Ash says, "Keep going, Pikachu. Or it's back in the ball for you." {he struggles some more on the first level} Jon (VO): Ngh! Mn! No, I don't want it! Auugkck! Pff, shet! I finally beat the first level. The boss is a Snorlax. It's pretty energetic for a Snorlax, wouldn't you say? So, the beginning of Level 2, you just see Ash say, "It's hot."? {Level 2 begins. Pikachu takes quite a long time to appear} Jon (VO): ... Oh, he's coming. ... Any minute now. ... Oh! There he is! Okay! Beautiful. Oh, by it's hot, he meant literally, it's a fire level. Thanks for looking out for me, Ash. I really appreciate it. {Pikachu encounters a crab creature here. The camera zooms in to it, where it's seen performing a dance} Jon: ... Ech! Ugh! That's disgusting! What is that? Is that rancid? Is that a tap-dancing crab demon? {hushed} Is that nightmare? Is that true nightmare? Pokemon Stadium (SNES) Jon (VO): Strangely enough, there's another SNES Pokémon game. It's a port of Pokémon Stadium for the N64 it looks like. The biggest difference being that there's a predetermined roster of 12 Pokémon. {notices the mistranslated names} Mm, don't those names look strikingly familiar? {calls the "names" of Beedrill, Diglett, and Vileplume} Who could forget Spia? And Dagut. And... Raif. Vileplume: Raif! Raif! Raif! Raif! Raif! Raif! Raif!... Announcer: Massive damage! Jon (VO): It is a fully fledged game. There's not much to say about it. I'm just baffled that it exists at all. Pokémon Adventure (GBC) Jon (VO): Next up is Pokémon Adventure for the Game Boy Color. Ah, man! This one looks great! It looks like a game Nintendo actually could have made. Let's do this! I'm ready to go on this balloon-based adventure with Pikachu! {Jon begins playing; the Sonic styled mechanics confuse him, causing him to touch the first enemy and die instantly} Jon (VO): Wha- What's happ- ah- no- goddamn- FUCK! Jon: Can't I just have a break? Can't I just have one break? Jon (VO): I'm not playing this up, okay? These were my actual first moments with the game. Complete confusion. You know, this game sets up a certain special scenario for you. It says, "Welcome to the game." That's the one thing you can see. Fuck you. This is clearly a platformer, why is the first enemy unkillable? Is it just a way to condition me for the journey ahead? Something you might notice is that Pikachu jumps like Sonic. He's even got those super-fast spinny feet when he runs like in Sonic 2. Oh, hey! He even charges up in a - in a ball like... Sonic... the hedgehog. Yep, that's Son- that's Sonic. It's So- IT'S SONIC! It turns out that this is a hack of an existing hack for the Game Boy Color called Sonic Adventure 7. Yeah...what happened to 3 through 6? Do you even realize what this means? Ladies and gentlemen, we are playing what could be the world's very first double hack. {Jon starts typing on two different keyboards at the same time} Jon: OhhHhHhhHH! Jacques: Warning, Jon. You are in danger of reaching hack capacity. Moemon Jon: Next one up's a bit weird. It's called Moemon. Jon (VO): Ehhh, this one's weird. I don't know what to say about it. It's Pokémon with little girls, uh. I mean, it's very obvious that a lot of, uh, care and passion went into making this. I mean, you can actually tell which Pokémon is which by looking at those beautifully crafted sprites. But...why??? Do you realize that for this to happen someone had to sit down, look at Pokémon, and say, "You know, this is great, but it needs more little girls. I'm gonna go downstairs to my basement, now, next to my little girl dungeon and program this game." Welcome to planet Earth, ladies and gentlemen. Pokémon Diamond and Jade (GBC) Jon (VO): The next two games I want to talk about are Pokémon Diamond and Jade. Huh, I guess someone beat Nintendo to the punch with Diamond there. But, oh, this is not the Diamond version you're thinking of because that would be a time machine. And I know you don't have any of those laying around. In this particular instance, we know Diamond is better than Jade because Jade has a goat demon on the box and look at the... just look at the eyes. I think there's feeling behind those eyes. Jon: {wipes brow with a towel} Feeling a bit of a... a bit of a chill. Sorry, I think maybe I'm starting to feel ghosts or somethin'. Jon (VO): Um, I just want to point out that at the beginning of this Pokémon game there's an armadillo on a cell phone! I mean, presumably just trying to get reception in this forest because let's face it, there's not much reception out there. {he notices a texture in the background that resembles a man with an erection} Jon (VO): Hoho...hold on a second. Talk about rockin' out with your cock out. I bet you $50 that's the guy who made Moemon back there. That's Mr. Moemon. This game is taking something completely fantastical, the world of fantasy monsters, and bringing it down to the most mundane level. He's like, {voicing trainer, who's talking on a cell phone} "Did you remember to pick up the baking soda?" So this games has some weird fascination with cell phones. Yeah, totally gets me in the Pokémon spirit. {text reading "Decide Time!" appears} Jon (VO): Oh, it's Decide Time! It's time to make substantial decisions about my life and career.….oh, wait! Never mind. It just literally wants me to tell the time. I bet at this point you're all saying to yourselves, "Jon! What is this shit? Get it out of my face! This doesn't look anything like a Pokémon game!" Well, if that is what you were thinkin', you'd be right. It is in fact a Japanese cell phone themed RPG called Keitai Denju Telefang. Okay, now get this. It means 'Mobile Phone Beast......Telefang'. Goddammit, that was the word I wanted to know most. What in God's name is a Telefang? Listen, Japan, I know this was in the early 2000s, but I just can't see a series about monsters talking on telephones ever catching on. {the protagonist gets into a conversation} Jon (VO): "Damn it! He's nothing!" Yeah, you could say that again. Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal (GBC) Jon: Now, the next one is actually one of my favorite ones. It's called Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal. Yeah, that's actually what it's called. Jacques: That's racist. Jon: Now, you listen here, pip pip. A racist mind is a racist kind. Now you take that to sleep with you tonight because I know I'm not gonna change heart and mind in a day. You don't give a man a peanut expecting him to have a farm the next day. But, it's all right. It's all right. One day, we will all be equal on this Earth. Until then, I'm going to give you a kiss, muffin. {kisses Jacques} Jon (VO): This game is exactly as advertised. It's Pokémon Crystal for Game Boy Color but translated to Vietnamese and sold on the street as a bootleg. Oh, but that is not what sets this game apart from the rest. What makes this one so special is the bizarre translation. {game begins and things are immediately off} Jon (VO): "Welcome! It's Elf's World...?" ELF'S WORLD?? Oh, man, the game is bringing the nostalgia right back! How could I forget the first time I ever met Professor Oak? Oh, oh excuse me, I'm sorry. How could I have been so rude? I meant to call him by his preferred name, Elf Monster. He literally demands that not just me, but everyone call him... Jon: Elf Monster. I, I couldn't make this shit up. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried! I'm sad that I lack the talent to make this shit up! Jon (VO): "Elfs, here are called monster." Well, that's good to know. {referring to the Wooper on-screen} He looks happy enough about it. "They existed everywhere." Oh, that's terrible. What happened to them? "They play friendly help each other." "There are many secrets inside to know these riddles." Jon: Oh, philosophy-wise, he's up there with the greats. Aristotle, Plato, Confucius, meth head down my street who forgot to speak English from too much meth. Jon (VO): "Please check the time"? Jon: {he looks at his clock} Well, it's about quarter past one, why'd you want me to do that? Jon (VO): "How many minutes?" Uh, I don't know. There's about 60 of them in an hour. Are we talking days? Weeks? Years? Oh, okay. Looks like I gotta set the time. "Whataf 3hin time?" Well, that's a fantastic question, I don't know myself. {the game reads WHAT!17 M?, as if enraged} Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, you don't gotta yell. I didn't know it meant so much to you. "Af 3h17 mbad!Sleep too late." Jon: Yeah, I think I'm gonna quit here. This game's starting to judge my lifestyle, just yaknowyaknow, I don't need that. I made it past age 18, I paid my bills, I pay my taxes, I can sleep late if I fuckin' want to. Fuck you. Pokémon 4in1 (NES) Jon(VO): Let's get back to the real games here. Pokémon 4in1 on the NES. That's just so weird to me. A Pokémon game on console 10 years older than the original game. Who thought this was a good idea? Essentially, what we've got here is just a collection of mini-games based around Pokémon. Three in which apparently revolve around pica - "the eating disorder which causes people to ingest inedible objects". Hey, speaking of food, Pikachu himself look like a fuckin' potato. Picaclick, Picaslot, Picadance, and p...p...Pacman? That one is just called fucking Pacman! OK! Hold on! No! That is the only game that had a "P" in it to begin with! They could've just easily called it Pikaman, as all the others are themed with "Pika". But no, they just left it Pacman. Alright, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't want the subtlety of their, uh, blatant theft to be lost on the masses. Picaclick is just a game where you match blocks. I don't know what's going on with this one, I don't even know if you can lose. Click, click, click, fuckin' I don't give a shit. Picaslot is stupid, too. It's just a slot machine. Literally. It's just...luck. Press the button and watch it go! The only feedback you get from this game is the "Win" box on the right. Who would...who would p...who would play this? Who would, eh...d- Pacman! Oh, now this one's good. This one has some depth to it. Probably because it's Pac-Man. Literally, it's Pac-Man, and it changed the course of the gaming market 'cause it's FUCKING PAC-MAN! Picadance is great. Oh look, look at them go. Set to the song Butterfly by Smile.dk. Where are these Pokémon going to? I think I want to head up there with 'em. Oh, not to mention, every single high-score on this game is DDR, DDR, DDR, DDR, didn't bother to hide it! DDR! DIDN'T BOTHER TO HIDE IT! PACMAN! DDR! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE! Lavender Town Syndrome Jon: Well, my work's done here! I'm gonna go get a goddamn glass of bootleg milk, calm my fff- goddamn nerves, feel like Geppetto in the goddamn Pinocchio musical. {suddenly the Lavender Town music begins to play - a black cartridge with the Pokémon logo on it flies into Jon's hand} Jon: 'Wait a second, isn't this that version of Pokémon where the Pokémon actually die instead of faint? It had that version of Lavender Town that causes all those Japanese kids to get mysteriously ill. Oh...I should get rid of this. ''{he appears to dispose of it. Cut to Jon in the dark, where he still has the game in possession} '''Jon: ... Well, maybe I'll just have... one play. {Jon puts the game into his Super Game Boy, a Haunter appears on the screen and takes Jon into the game. The screen cuts off for a while. It fades back, where we see Jon as a Pokémon trainer in the game, with a text box reading "ARE YOU READY JON?" Jacques watches helplessly.} Jacques: Jon!? {the screen cuts off again; it comes back} Jacques: Boobs. {a buff man appears, followed by a cow's udder. The episode ends} Category:Transcripts